SECRETS OF THE DATE DOCTORS
So many lonely U.S. singles are so sick of dead-end dates that they’re hiring professional ‘Date Doctors’ who send them on ‘mock dates’, then rate their dating skills. Two such ‘Love Docs’ share their tips and case histories.
by Sue Russell

The population of lonely, lovelorn singles is massive—and massively sick of soulless, dead-end dates. Who needs all those big letdowns where he or she never calls again and yet another promising start falls flat?

Now, in the U.S., rather than just crying into their beer and worrying what went wrong, many singles are enlisting the help of one of the new breed of self-proclaimed, professional ‘Date Doctors’. ‘Date Doctors’ who will send them out on ‘mock dates’, get their datemate’s feedback, then speak aloud all the ugly home truths that their real dates just gripe about privately.

Laura, 34, signed on with Bart Ellis, 56, founder of L.A.’s The Date Doctor, and an experienced, licensed clinical social worker. For $200, Bart listens intently to your dating woes, then hires a suitable datemate to date and rate you.

Datemates "don’t need to be rocket scientists," he says. Aides come via the classifieds, then he auditions them with roleplaying. Their task is to give him honest, unexpurgated feedback. Bart then uses their blow-by-blow account of the mock date to coach his clients in the all-important 90-minute feedback session. He aims for kind, not cruel, but the advice is pointed.

Bart Ellis has wised up singles on dating blunders from having spaghetti sauce round their mouths to showing too much cleavage, to having acted as if they’ve got a chip on their shoulder.

Few mock dates turn out as terribly as his pet horror story about Sarah. Sarah was an attractive, outgoing woman in her mid-30s whose fantasy was to have a man fall madly in love with her. She met her date mate, Barry, at an outdoor restaurant where they grabbed a streetside table.

After a little too much wine, Sarah suddenly started shouting to passersby: ‘I only have one egg left and that’s fried, will somebody please marry us!’ Bart couldn’t believe his ears when Barry staggered back with his report.

"I challenged Sarah on it," he recalls, "but she just argued saying, ‘No, no! I want to show the guy the worst side of me. They have to take me as I am!’ She even went on a second date but she’d learned nothing. She was as obnoxious as hell and kept using her cell phone during dinner and talking to her friends! Thankfully, most people who come to me genuinely want to learn."

Our second guinea pig, Michael, 41, signed up with New York love doctor, Mryeah Moore. She’s a 40-year old, African-American with—wait for it—more lonely men on her books than women. She found her calling at age twelve with her first matchmaking success and is a fierce supporter of old-fashioned romance.

Myreah requires a 6-session commitment for private coaching sessions to assure results. Sessions cost $35 apiece—but Michael will also need his chequebook handy for Myreah’s famous wardrobe revamp and image overhaul.

While she coaches very upscale businessmen, she reports that most male clients are average nice guys caught up in the ‘nerd’ sydrome. Stable, loyal, good-hearted fellows like Michael.

Defeated daters worn down by too many women just ruling them out because they’re not Daniel Day Lewis lookalikes or dangerous, bad-boy heartbreakers. They believe that they just don’t have the right salary, cars, and accoutrements that are vital to attract ‘90s women. Myreah is confident she can help, "Because I know how many women there are running around whining that they can’t find a good man."

Here are our volunteers’ mock date reports and their personal verdicts:

LAURA: 34, GOOD PERSONALITY. A SURVIVOR CURRENTLY MAKING IMPROVEMENTS IN HER LIFE. BADLY WANTS TRUE LOVE.

"I was feeling pretty pleased with myself when I tried the Date Doctor, but I was hungry for some romance. It had been too long. I’d been through hell the past couple of years with my health, work problems, money problems, and I even wound up staying on a friend’s couch once. I’d put on a ton of weight meanwhile, so it was just a lousy time. Then I lost about half the weight, found a job, and things had really begun to turn around. I’d decided to get my life back on track and I felt I was doing a good job of it.

I admit that what I really want is someone to fall head over heels in love with me. And dating sucks. If I like a guy, you can bet I never hear from him again, and I really want to know why! $200 is a lot of money to me, but I was just so curious about how I came across to guys.

I went in to meet Bart and we talked for ages, then he called to say he’d set up a mock date for me with Don. I felt a little nervous about being judged, but hey, I was paying for it! Might as well enjoy it!

I had to meet Don at 8 p.m. at Prego in Beverly Hills, an Italian place which I knew was upscale, so I took my time getting ready. I put on extra make-up and wore something a little sexy. My new pink dress, pink lipstick, it all went together. Maybe I should have worn heels but they make my feet ache. I figured if he was looking too much at my shoes, I had a bigger problem than I thought.

Don was already at the restaurant when I arrived and he got up out of his seat and came over. He was very attractive. Smart. Friendly. Didn’t have an attitude like some guys. He was in his 30s, his day job was in insurance, but he didn’t tell me too much more.

He offered me a drink but he wasn’t drinking, so I didn’t have one either. The food’s great at Prego. He ordered a big salad, but he smiled when I said I was going off my diet for the night because I had to have the designer pizza, I love it so much.

I talked a lot, I suppose, but Don seemed so sympathetic and encouraging. A couple of times, I forgot what we were doing. It felt like he was a real date. I wish! I did wonder what he was thinking at times, but not enough to stop me having fun.

I wouldn’t have minded if he’d given me a goodnight kiss, but he didn’t try to. It’s probably not part of the job description. I thought the evening went well, all told. Which is why some of the feedback I got at the follow-up session was hard to hear.

Apparently Don complained I spent too much time talking about my problems. He said it was really a turn-off and he found the conversation quite depressing. But I was saying how proud I was I’d overcome so much! And how great it was that I had my own apartment again! I was showing what a positive attitude I’d got! But Bart said the heaviness of the conversation about my past made it come off as if I hadn’t changed that much, even though I was saying I had.

Apparently Don didn’t like me eating off his plate either. I can’t say I remember talking about my medical problems, but Don says I did, so I must have done. That’s a real no-no, even on a third or fourth date. Bart said Iwas using the guy as a sounding board, almost like a counsellor. Apparently I didn’t make Don feel special and focused just on myself, instead of asking about him and his life.

** THE VERDICT: A lot of what I was told, I really had no idea I was doing. It stung a bit, but the advice has definitely been helpful. It made me really look at myself. I’ve made some changes and I plan to make some more. I got a lot out of it.

MICHAEL: 41, BASKETBALL FANATIC, GOVERNMENT WORKER AND DATING FLOP. LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER. NO HISTORY OF LASTING RELATION-SHIPS. HAS OFTEN PAID FOR SEX.

"Whatever women want, I just don’t have it. I’ve never felt confident with them and I gave up on dating years ago. All I ever seem to meet is lesbians and old men. Yes, I’ve paid for sex in the past. Sometimes it was the only way. I guess women just aren’t attracted to me.

I live with my mother just because it’s practical. She cooks and does my shirts and it saves on rent. It’s easier. It’s comfortable. Okay, maybe I’m lazy! I’d like to meet a woman, but it’s never happened.

I immediately felt comfortable when I met my dating coach, Myreah Moore. She was sure she could help me and meets more and more men who live with their mothers. I was just thinking,‘If she understands, why don’t other women?’, when she said that most women would run a mile because of it and that no grown woman wants to hear you live with your mum!

She said that I had to accept it was a major turn-off. To me it’s no big deal, but just that one little thing can crush your dating life apparently, because they think, ‘What is this guy? He isn’t even grown-up yet?’ I never thought about it that way.

Myreah told me I was a diamond in the rough! She said that guys like me have it made, we just don’t know it, and that for most women, I’m exactly the type they’d want to be the father of their children when they are ready. That women go through their bad boy phases, but they really want a steady Eddie who is loving and nurturing.

She promised she’d make me more ‘marketable’. She had me write out affirmations reminding me what I’ve got going for me. Then came ‘the makeover phase’. Myreah loves that. It makes her feel like Cinderella’s fairy godmother.

She took me to get a good haircut and helped pick out a style, then she sent me for a manicure and pedicure because she wanted me to get a taste of being pampered. One of Myreah’s mandatory rules is that you keep up the grooming every four weeks.

And it’s mandatory that I read two men’s magazines a month—GQ type, about grooming, not just sports—and one women’s, so I learn what women are thinking.

I hadn’t bought a suit in ten years but Myreah had me show her what I liked in GQ then we went shopping. She said I had to know what it felt like to look like a million dollars.

She didn’t try to go too high end or make me something I’m not by putting me in black leather or anything wild. She just wanted me to be "tasteful." She says it’s all in the little details. She made me buy a briefcase, where I’ve always carried my papers around the streets in an inter-office envelope.

Within a month I could tell something was changing. In the office, women started stopping by my desk to talk more. They’d say, ‘What’s going on with you? What’s different?’

I made a pact with Myreah that twice a week I’d go out somewhere I could socialise and talk to strangers. I’m not a drinker anyway but it’s no bars, just bookstores, especially ones with a coffee bar, which I like.

I’d always thought every date had to end in sex. Isn’t that the way it is in the 90s? On TV, everyone’s practically naked. I’ll be really honest, it made me nervous. I felt like you had to be this great lover. That’s also why I’d gone to the professionals for sex.

And when women dressed really, really sexy, it intimidated me. But Myreah says some of her women clients mistake sleazy for sexy, and what they’re wearing could be exact opposite of what they’re really like.

After a month, Myreah finally set up my mock date. I arranged to meet Rita at the Drip coffee bar which has couches and is nice and casual. When she walked in I thought, ‘Oh my God, she’s so pretty! I don’t think I could ever attract her!’ But she was very easy to talk to.

We went on to dinner at ‘French Roast’, a local bistro here in Manhattan. It’s not ultra-romantic but it’s very nice. Rita liked it too. We didn’t have wine, though I offered her some. But something weird happened when we’d ordered our steaks. Then, for some reason, I got a little nervous. I could hear myself talking about myself a lot.

Rita finally looked at me and said, ‘Why don’t you calm down. You don’t have to impress me.’ It was good she said that. If it was a real date, I might have lost her. The time went quickly after that. I didn’t try to kiss Rita goodnight. She kissed me on the cheek but I was so nervous, all I could say was, ‘Are you going to give me a good report?’

Rita told Myreah that I’ve got what it takes, I just have to learn to be calmer and not feel like I need to do a song and dance all the time. She thought I was warm, had great conversation. Rita also liked that after dinner I put her in a cab and gave her the money to pay for it, and she liked that I brought her flowers. Myreah told me to do that, though!

Myreah found it funny that while I always brought her a donut or some magazine article I thought she’d like, I’d never thought of taking a date flowers. She said it lets a woman know you’re thinking about her and would get me brownie points.

Since Rita, I’ve been going out on my own more and I’m now dating four different women. I met one at a coffeeshop, one at a basketball convention, one at the office. We go dancing or to a movie and it’s fun. Myreah says I’m totally unrecognizable.

My mother doesn’t like the changes. She says I look too flashy. I think she’s afraid I’m going to move out. I am thinking about finding my own place now.

** THE VERDICT: I’ve made more progress with Myreah since October than I have in years of therapy. Everybody notices. It’s great!

M magazine, UK, 2000
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